Part 1 in a series exploring the experiences of young women with autism.

When asked - “What is it like being a young woman with autism?” there were are few themes universal to each response - LONELY and NOT SEEN. Sadly, this is the case for many young women. Autism can make you feel lonely, disconnected and a bit like the world just doesn’t work for you. Life with autism can feel like a constant performance where there’s no one to connect to or you don’t quite know how to make yourself fit in.

Along with the regular challenges of autism, wearing the invisible mask is often a detriment to our mental health. Loneliness is a common experience for many young women with autism, often stemming from the unique social challenges we face. While we might yearn for connection, navigating friendships and social dynamics can be overwhelming, leading us to feel isolated even when we’re surrounded by others. Because autism in women can be less visible, young women might mask their traits to fit in, which can make us feel disconnected from their true selves.

“It feels like the world just wasn’t made for me and people like me, it feels as though I’m an alien in a strange world that’s just been pretending to be a human by taking personality traits and opinions and passing them as my own. Because I never understood what my real feelings were, I never knew who I was, just shadows of others. All of the things that made me me, were the things that people made fun of, said were weird and I should be more “normal”, so it became clear quickly as a child that plain old me just wasn’t good enough.” - Edi

Masking, in the context of autism, is the process of hiding or suppressing behaviours, traits, or reactions associated with autism to blend in with neurotypical peers. This might mean we make eye contact even if it feels uncomfortable, we laugh at jokes we don’t fully understand, or we mimic facial expressions to match the emotional vibe in the room. Masking is often learned as a survival tool to avoid bullying, to meet social expectations, or simply to keep the peace in social situations. Many young women on the spectrum learn to mask their behaviours to meet social expectations, which can make their autism harder to identify. This has led to a significant under-diagnosis in women, meaning they often don’t receive the support they need.

“I feel invisible, yet so criticised and judged at the same time. As if the parts of me I want others to see are squashed by the difficulties I have and their opinion of my diagnosis, even when I've been open about this. Others perception of me rarely, if ever, aligns with my internal experiences. I have constant guilt and shame for letting any of my traits show, because it reminds me of all of the times I've been rejected or belittled or told I'm bad or wrong because I was different. I’m constantly misunderstood and seen as difficult or inconvenient. I only ever have the slight glimmers of the concept of an identity, outside of what I know which is to mask, hide and suppress. It so deep down that even I struggle to find it.” - Emily

We may be outwardly social, smiling, nodding at the right times, or engaging in small talk, but beneath this polished exterior, a different story often unfolds. It becomes so hard to be authentic to ourselves and our mental health suffers. Autistic women are more likely to be diagnosed with a co-morbid mental health disorder, such as depression, anxiety and are at increased risk of self-harm. This is significant for woman who are at a key point in their lives - young adulthood.

“It’s really really tough and more often than not, no one sees that. I feel like I can’t understand and interpret the world the right way because no one has showed me how. I don’t have the instructions book for life and it’s exhausting. I feel anxious all the time, it’s basically just become a part of my personality, and I feel like there’s so much stuff I want to do so badly, but can’t because of sensory related anxieties and a fear of things going wrong. Selfishly, I wish I wasn’t autistic. I love the autistic community that I’m a part of and how well we understand each other, but I just feel frustrated at myself 24/7 for feeling the way I do and struggling. Being a young woman with autism means that no one really sees me, and the stereotypes of male autism get pinned against us all the time. Masking is awful, and constantly prevents me from being myself, and any kind of socialising is becoming harder and harder.” - Katie

The constant effort to appear neurotypical—can lead to deep emotional exhaustion and this ongoing "performance" takes a toll, frequently resulting in heightened anxiety, depression, and a pervasive sense of isolation. It makes it difficult for us to access appropriate support, as we may go undiagnosed or feel misunderstood by those around us. Over time, this disconnect between our authentic selves and the person we feel pressured to be can impact self-esteem and contribute to feelings of disconnection or burnout, as we struggle to sustain an identity that doesn't reflect our true needs and experiences.

Ultimately, young women with autism deserve recognition, respect and assistance. This still isn’t happening and we deserve better. We deserve early intervention, tailored therapies and mental health services. We deserve validation of our experience of autism.