Being visible

Having diagnosed with autism as a young adult, there is a sense of uncertainty. If it’s only been diagnosed now, was it even there during childhood…? You go through the list of ‘autistic traits in girls’ and can tick every single box, this concept wasn’t around when you were but it makes a lot of sense. These are just how an anxious little girl looked like in life. Now in my late 20s. I assumed I still presented that way to those around me. I naively thought that people knowing I was autistic was on a self disclosure basis.

Apparently it’s not. At university placement for OT, my feedback made me realise that experiences I thought were internal, weren’t at all. They were noticeable. Perhaps there was a confirmation bias involved, but either way they picked up on things. Things I didn’t even notice were autistic. I confirmed with others in my life, how much people can tell. Apparently if they know anything about autism, they likely can.

The best way I can describe this experience is this:

I’ve been walking around without my clothes on, thinking I’m dressed but I’m not. Sometimes I get to the point where I’m comfortable with someone and I’ll take my jacket off, thinking I am and giving it to someone because I’m happy for them to have it. I think that I have done this, but I’ve been walking around without clothes on this whole time. I still don’t notice I’m not wearing any.

Now it gets pointed out more and more, through this uni experience but also elsewhere and beginning to notice I’m not wearing much. In ways it has been enlightening, giving answers to things I didn’t even realise we’re autistic but I feel a little stupid for not noticing. This went into a state of burnout and existential crisis.

I don’t understand the concept of masking well, I can’t tell if I do it. I probably used to during childhood and adolescence - you know how you’re expected to act and assumed these were all conscious learned behaviours. I don’t think I have the capacity to be able to mask anymore but I don’t even know if I do it or not. I know how to act in certain contexts but I associate that with manners and appropriate behaviour. What is learnt because it must be or what is trying to be like everyone else.

I think rather than mask, I might hide. I don’t want to be noticeable unless it’s for something I choose to be noticed for. But this hiding is noticeable in itself. After 5 years at university, I’ve got friends to sit with in class and it is lovely. The first 4 I’ve sat on my own, in the exact same seat for 4 years. Generally quiet, but impulsively answering questions too when no one else seems interested.

As I need disability assistance and so forth, I know my lecturers well, and 95% have been brilliant and supportive. But then we go through content that is personally relatable to me. If we’re partnered I’ll normalise my scores a bit more in standardised tests. Sometimes I do too in assignments, other times I just went…. stuff it… at least I’ll have something to talk about. I wonder at which point can my peers tell that certain content is applicable to me. I also was of the thought that sitting in a classroom, answering questions - my lecturers wouldn’t notice either, except for my disability plan… I even worried that they’d be thinking I get more adjustments than I need. But then realistically, they are professors, in a career related to disability...often experts in mental health and autism. So if they look, they can probably tell from observation, especially in 1st year when I couldn’t sit in the classroom for more than 10 minutes.

All this makes me feel quite exposed. It is something I wish to disclose. But I’m getting to terms with it that this isn’t likely possible long term. I can go into a job, try to hide myself and appear normal. A job that I’ll probably not be all that interested and happy at with limited prospects for career progression. I can find a job where I feel a sense of ineptitude, that they are hiring me in spite of my differences. Or I can make it work for me, use it to my advantage, but for that to happen, I need to learn to embrace my autistic identity. Doing so just makes me worried about my social capacity, not necessarily because people won’t have me - but social differences I thought I would tell people about after a while are already visible and it makes me feel vulnerable, exposed and further lacking the skills to give these things a go. I get really worried writing on this site and sharing personally on instagram to so many people that this could affect my career options. But I really want to get more okay with it.

Advocacy has always been something I’ve been passionate about. I think to do well, be happy, not try to hide or be forever greatful someone will have me. It is something I love doing, but it is something I am self conscious of and tend to overthink later. The space I’m working in is embracing this more and more - as it should be. I need to use my lived experience to my advantage - for meaning, happiness and my career as it turns out people do notice, I rather naively thought they couldn’t.

Let’s get them to notice how I’m using my lived experience combined with my clinical knowledge to offer a different perspective, help people and create change. Allow me to build a more positive autistic identity and grow to be okay being who I really am.

So a photo of me is included for once. I removed the event name, and fixed my posture a bit but here I am.